This sounds like a trite headline. It is! But it is most appropriate. Read on and you too may agree…
In a recent interview with a founder and CEO of an organization in India where I had applied for the COO’s role, he asked if I would consider the role of a General Manager, a step below, because I lack certain experience that he wishes the COO brings. And he followed it with that he is offering this post to me because I am good and is protecting me by not asking me to interview with board members, a natural step in the interview process for a COO, because they will outright reject me. Hearing this I was taken aback and did not know how to process or respond to it at that moment.
I have been sitting with that comment and I finally see a pattern. In the early 1990’s, my father asked my mother, an M.A. in Economics, if she would like to explore some roles that she could take on in the family’s glass manufacturing business. And she jumped with joy and said yes! Her euphoria was short-lived. When my father proposed the idea to the head of the business, his elder brother, he shot it down saying “Yeh hamaare ghar ko shobha nahin deta.” My father did not pursue this idea further and neither did my mother. Perhaps, she lacked the skills to influence, persuade, and persist in creating this opportunity for herself.
My uncles’ protective view (at first glance) represents a deep-seeded paradox. Paradox of pride and shame. The pride comes from class and control; the shame comes from the perception of incompetence of a woman to have a role in business. I sense the same paradox in the CEO’s protective words to me in 2018. If he thought I was incapable of delivering in a role of COO, then all he needed was courage to say it rather than offer his doubt-clad protection.
In another occurrence, I was attempting to convince a dear friend to put her skin in her own life’s game by participating in a transformational workshop that I had participated in a while ago. Albeit, this was my third such conversation with her and I understand that this time I pressed all her buttons. In her reactionary exchange, she chided and said, “you should stop doing these stupid workshops and focus on finding yourself a job which will be very useful for where you are now.”
A participant, in my ethnographic study of educated Indian women’s perceptions of identity, purpose, and meaning, shared her story of asking women in her community to volunteer their time for a makeshift library that she runs for disadvantaged children in her neighborhood. The woman’s response to her request shocked and surprised her. They said, “rather than doing these menial things, you should turn your attention to taking care of your home and family.” Hearing this, I suddenly understood the meaning behind the words my friend said to me.
These anecdotes reflect parochiality!
A parochial, doubt filled, judgmental view of what an ideal woman can do.
If we are to make a paradigm shift in behaviors and actions towards women in India, it is the educated women and men who have to change their way of being, their way of thinking, and their way of acting. It is about making different choices; and it starts with our way of being. Choosing a way of being that promotes dignity, equity, and compassion, promotes thought and requisite action that is dignified, equal, and compassionate. And we need a lot of courage to make these different choices. My uncle, friend, the CEO, and the group of women, had the option to choose their way of being, thinking, and action from a place that promoted these universal values of dignity, equality, and compassion.
In July 2018, an article in Economic Times paints a grim, dismal but a true picture of the economic future of India which is tied closely to the fate of its educated women. My one critique of this article is that it only presents the economic case for women to work. There is a strong case to be made for the social fabric of our country with respect to the behaviors and actions towards women. And both women and men need to make courageous choices. For women, we need to learn to negotiate for what we want, inspire and influence with our way of (higher) being, and persevere in the pursuit of our aspirations. For men, they need to learn to listen deeply, cultivate a growth mindset, and be okay with not being “right” or being called out or criticized constructively particularly by a woman.